


Wandering

by EveandJohnny



Series: The Radiologist [1]
Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, at least I think so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 20:14:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12092586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EveandJohnny/pseuds/EveandJohnny
Summary: Imagine being in love with Chuck Hansen, then witnessing Operation Pitfall, and then you somehow have to move on with your life.





	Wandering

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Let It Be](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11913309) by [assassin_inthe_scoutregiment](https://archiveofourown.org/users/assassin_inthe_scoutregiment/pseuds/assassin_inthe_scoutregiment). 



> This fic is definitely not a criticism on the original fic; that was beautifully written. Rather, it criticizes marriage, kids and settling down as being the default settings for love. I also think that maybe such a traumatic event cannot be so easily handled. But that’s really just my opinion.

You should have never accepted that foolish ring. Marriage was something you had never wanted, and you had only taken the ring because it had made him so happy. His eyes had sparkled and glittered in the stupidly dreamy light of the candles. You thought of all the poor tulips that had died so the ground of your dorm could be littered with their petals. You shuttered. Who were you kidding? Last night you hadn’t mind the romantic setting, you even had enjoyed it a little because it was such a nice distraction from all the danger, death and emotionless metal that surrounded you. But the proposal, yeah, you could have perfectly lived without. Now it was even more pointless than before. The man who had proposed to you was dead, blown to smithereens, no, fully extinguished by a nuclear bomb somewhere in the depths of the ocean.

You stand at the edge of the helicopter platform, looking out at the sea that has swallowed the man you love. There’s nothing in particular that you’re seeing. It all gets blurrier the longer you stare. Absentmindedly, you take the ring off your finger, weigh it one last time, then throw it over the rail with all the fury that kicks and rages inside you, and watch it disappear in the waves.

Someone beside you gasps. You hadn’t noticed that you are not alone anymore.

“Why did you do this?” Mako asks bewildered and also shocked.

“Why should I have not done so?” you ask with more harshness than intended. Mako doesn’t deserve being treated like this; she only wants the best for you. So does everyone else. But the best is now fused with the molecules of the seawater, so really, what does it matter?

You mutter an apology, then turn around and go back into the Shatterdome.

***

Right when the news trickled through to you it was clear as day that this mission was going to be bad. At least your gut feeling knew this and it was hardly ever wrong. You stormed over into the Dome, just to see how Mako, Raleigh and a not yet changed Chuck were joined by Pentecost in armour and Herc Hansen in his everyday clothing. That was when you were sure that Chuck wouldn’t come back this time. Pentecost would be going to die if he stepped in a Jaeger one more time; you knew that better than anyone because you were the radiologist he had worked with for four years now. You watched as Pentecost walked away from the group, Mako at his heels, and you took the opportunity to join the others. As soon as Chuck saw you his face reddened and his eyes watered. You chose to ignore this outburst of feelings. Emotions were never your strong suit and you decided that now wasn’t the time this was going to change. Raleigh and Herc got the hint and backed away, leaving you with Chuck who trembled heavily.

“Don’t” you said, you’re voice strained. Your hand started shaking as well, so you crossed your arms in front of your chest. Then you thought better of it. Just because you didn’t like emotions didn’t mean you would ruin the last meeting with him. You would just forever curse yourself if you did. So you hugged him, strongly, and held tight to him as if you were drowning.

Someone behind you coughed. You both turned and saw Pentecost waiting. A sad but tiny smiled darted over his lips, then it was replaced by a stern expression. “Change, Hansen. I need you.”

You let go of Chuck who nodded towards the Marshal. He gave you one last, longing kiss, then marched to the Drivesuit room. Pentecost came over to you. He laid a hand on your shoulder. “Thank you, you were always reliable and never failed to come up with a solution. I’m sorry that it is Chuck who accompanies me.”

You shook your head. “Don’t be, sir. You are doing this for the greater good. It is a pity but that’s the way it is. Thank you that I could service you.” You meant what you said, you still mean it, but it was also a way to not get yourself overwhelmed by your feelings. You nodded to Pentecost one last time, then walked over to Raleigh and Mako who were talking in hushed whispers. For some reason, you didn’t have the abysmal feeling about them. Instead, you smiled genuinely and hugged first Mako, then Raleigh. He had become a good friend even though he hadn’t been here for long. Mako and you were best pals basically since the moment you got to the Hong Kong Shatterdome after you had transferred here from the Belgian centre of aviation and astronautics. It had always been your plan to work in a Shatterdome because: Why wait another decade or more to meet some alien creatures in space when you could also see them in the Pacific Ocean? Your family didn’t approve. They never understood why you would voluntarily seek out the danger when you were living fairly safely away from the beasts. But at least they hadn’t disowned you.

Chuck reappeared beside you, now wearing his worn and battered drive suit. This time you smiled, because you remembered all the moments you had with him. In the beginning, you couldn’t stand him because he was such an arrogant asshole and why would you surround yourself with such a person? One night, though, you had walked in on him cuddling Max and whispering into his fur while heavy tears rolled down his face. You had decided to back away unnoticed but then, as it always happens when one wants to make a silent exit, you walked backwards against a rolling table that had crashed into the nearest wall. Chuck had looked up, horrified that he’d been caught in a vulnerable moment. He narrowed his eyes and wanted to say something snarky but you beat him to the punch.

“Oh, please. Is the ‘hard Australian mate’ not allowed an emotional moment? Give yourself a rest. I also won’t tell anyone if you want me to.”

Your voice first had been cutting but then it had become soft. You smiled gently and took a step back but he raised his hand and motioned you to sit with him. So you went over and first you two just sat there in silence, taking turns in caressing the dog. Then, you assumed he just needed to pluck up the courage, he started talking about his mother and that he still missed her. You nodded, understanding a little, and after a moment of silence you told him about your family and how you haven’t seen them since you had flown to Hong Kong. They were just like you, crippled when it came to dealing with emotions, so you hadn’t heard a single word from them since. Somehow, you and Chuck Hansen ended up hugging each other.

Now you stand way up high in LOCCENT beside Tendo Choi and Herc Hansen and watch on the holographic screen what’s going on down on the bottom of the ocean. Newton Geiszler and Hermann Gottlieb suddenly come crashing in and push Herc out of the way. They inform the two Jaeger teams how to exactly get into the breach. You are not at all surprised. That’s just the Kaiju business. Nothing ever works like planned. You look over to Newton and Herman and nod when Newton catches your glance. You admire them both, if you weren’t so engrossed in physics and chemistry you would have certainly studied Kaijus more intensively. Tendo groans and that brings your attention back to the present. Following the holographic screen you see that it’s not going well.

The loudspeaker crackles and you hear Pentecost say “Let’s pave a path for the Lady.”

You close your eyes and clench your fist. You knew this was going to happen but now that the moment’s here you feel like you want to throw up. But you pull yourself together and open your eyes again.

Now it’s Chuck who speaks “Well, as my father always said, 'if you have ashot, you take it.' So, let's do this. It's been a pleasure, sir.” He doesn’t address you but that’s not necessary. You’ve never needed many words to communicate. You know anyway what he wants from you. Don’t get stuck in the past, live your life, but don’t forget him. That’s what people who have to sacrifice themselves usually say. Besides, it has never been your plan to just throw away life for the sake of a person who’s not coming back. Most people who this definition applies to are still alive but they’ve left you for one reason or another and, rationally looked upon, Chuck is just another person to do so. You love him with all your heart but if you wouldn’t look at things rationally, you would probably go insane.

But because this is love, and you don’t want to have the reputation of an unemotional rock, you lean forward to the intercom and whisper “Chuck Hansen? I love you, I hope you know that.”

There’s no reply because in the next seconds the screen tells you that Striker Eureka has blown up to get rid of the Kaijus so Lady Danger can at last complete the mission. Herc shoots you a look but you stare straight ahead. It seems that the whole Dome holds its breath, waiting for the special event. A first wave of relieve spreads through when Mako’s life pod is released and you feel yourself relax a little. Losing your partner is one thing but losing both your partner and your best friend is a whole different level of catastrophe.

 Suddenly red lights blink hysterically.

“What is it?” Herc asks and leans forward to Tendo who nervously rolls back and forth in his swivel chair.

“He has to activate the meltdown manually.”

You bite your lip and shake your head. Of course, why should anything go smoothly?

Herc gives Raleigh an order, then all you can do is wait. By now, Mako’s life pod has popped up on the ocean surface. You register thankfully that all her vital signs are alright. There’s a movement on the screen and you watch in awe as the model of the breach collapses. But you still have to think of Raleigh. His life pod is now on the surface as well, and Mako is there with him, trying to get any vital signs. You lean over Tendo’s shoulder and catch yourself issuing a prayer. It would be unfair of fate if you can keep your best friend but Mako couldn’t. Tendo tries to reassure her with feeble excuses that sound more likes he’s reassuring himself.

Then suddenly you hear a croaking voice. “You’re holding me too tight.” A chain of numbers flows from Raleigh’s position. You let out a sigh because he has made it as well. Everyone around you cheers and you find yourself first in Newton’s, then in Herc’s arms, then in everybody else’s.

But you don’t hear anymore how Herc announces to stop the clock. You’re already on your way to a helicopter.

***

“And you are sure you’re okay with that?” you ask Herc while internally you beg him to say yes. Even though Chuck never said it he would have certainly wanted you to take care of his dad. But you can’t stay here. Not after this shock. You feel restless and everything in the Shatterdome reminds you of him. Mako seems content with organizing Pentecost’s heritage, and she has Raleigh at her side who helps her in every way he can. Herc had in the second of Pentecost’s dead taken over Marshal Duties and now oversees the ordered down-take of the Shatterdome. The government had issued to keep a part of the Dome and also funded a small department to develop a new Jaeger, just in case. You had advised them on how to keep radiation at the lowest but after your work here was done you had nothing to do. Instead, you wandered aimlessly around the streets of Hong Kong for hours on end, pestered by dark thoughts and at night you regularly woke up sweating from a nightmare where you saw Chuck in the Jaeger and you knew you could help him but for some reason couldn’t reach him. After the night you had woken up screaming, you decided enough was enough. Your days at the Shatterdome were officially over.

“Yes, I am okay with that. I have my duties here but I see that you are not happy and unhappy employees are the last thing I can deal with. I’m sorry to see you go, though. Can you promise me that you come back someday?”

You nod. You need a break now but you definitely want to see all of the people who had become your family again. Herc smiles and pulls you in a bone-crushing hug.

 You had actually planned on sneaking away in the dead of night so nobody would notice but as you walk down the hall that leads to the exit you see that your precautions had been fruitless. A little group awaits you at the door, at the front stand Mako and Raleigh. You also see Newton and Hermann and a bunch of J-Techs.

“Did you really think you could just slip away like that?” Mako scolds you playfully and enfolds you. Her slender frame presses against your larger one and you feel her reluctance. Next in line to hug you is Raleigh. This time it’s you who nearly vanishes in the embrace. Your friends present you with a special lunch package and a small gift that you’re not allowed to open until you have reached the hotel in Paris.

***

Paris is beautiful. But you don’t like it. You can’t pinpoint exactly what gets you but you assume it’s the ever present display of love in any kind. It has probably been a mistake to make this your first stop after you’ve just lost a loved one. You bear with it one week but then you book a flight to Dublin.

It’s a lot more according to your taste there. You wander through the streets with their low buildings, quite a contrast to all the skyscrapers in Hong Kong, but that doesn’t matter to you. You enjoy that you have both the buzz of a big city and the quietness of a small neighbourhood at the same time. Because of your excellent training you easily get a job in a hospital. Finding accommodation is harder but a nice colleague at work gives you a tip and so you soon move in with his friend’s grandma who needs some company. She’s a nice lady and you spend many hours talking to her. She tells you what she remembers of WWII and what else life has brought upon her. You tell her about Operation Pitfall. It’s the first time you cry about Chuck and it feels good.

A year goes by. You make friends but even they are not enough to keep you here longer. You’ve learned your lesson, so instead of just leaving without a trace, you throw a big farewell party. People promise to keep in touch with you. You don’t believe them. On the flight to Chicago you recap your exit from Ireland and come to the conclusion that big parties are also not your cup of tea.

You like Chicago immediately. The weather is a nice mix between Hong Kong and Dublin. Your start here is nearly as easy as in Dublin. The job is not the problem and even housing is somewhat easier. You share a flat with a young man from New Delhi and a middle-aged lady from Manila. It’s a bit of a wild mix of personalities but they don’t have a problem with you and you don’t have a problem with them.

Then the nightmares come back. What had slept at the back of your mind during the last year breaks out with a cry that shakes the whole apartment and leaves your flatmates terrified standing at your door. When you start sobbing they both rush to your side but they don’t understand. In contrast to the old Irish lady those two never had anything more traumatizing then the death of their pets. The woman had moved from Manila before the Kaiju attacks started and the young man lived too far inland to be really affected by it. You don’t blame them but it doesn’t make it easier for you. With winter right at your doorstep, you can’t stay in the Mid-West any longer. So you book a flight to L.A.

California is nice and warm. For most people at least. For you it’s too hot, too bright, too shallow, too bubbly. You stay for two weeks, just to get some sun, then you have to escape. Somewhere in between you had considered moving to Australia to see where Chuck had grown up but you quietly cross that off your list. Heat is not an option for you. Instead, you move up the West Coast to Seattle. Chunks of the Coastal Wall still stand but most of it had been torn down after the sealing of the breach.

Here you stay for another year. You find new friends, a new job and are not pestered again by the nightmares. There’s one reason for this: you now regularly attend meetings of a support group for people who lost their dear ones in Kaiju attacks. Among them is also Trevin Gage’s daughter. Now you have people around you who understand what you’re going through. You help each other with your loss. People still suffer even if their loved ones died in one of the first Kaiju attacks twelve years ago. That makes you waver a little because it means that it will never end. But on the other hand, this gives you hope. You can make it through, no matter how it hard it will get.

The next time you leave is not because you are running away. It’s because you are going home. You yearn for Mako, for Raleigh, for Herc and for the K-Science team. You miss all of them, even the nameless J-Techs you’ve never gotten to know. You’re sure that there are some.

Mako awaits you at the airport with a smile so huge it nearly eclipses the sun. Yours isn’t smaller, either. The hug you share lasts minutes, the talking via Skype had never been an equivalent substitute. Behind Mako stands Raleigh who sheepishly grins at you before he also embraces you. They tell you that Herc is at the Shatterdome, or what is left of it, but can’t wait to see you again. Over the years that you’ve been away, it has turned into a research centre for robotic machines and artificial intelligence.

When you get there you see that the dimly lit, always slightly depressing dorms are gone. Instead you find your new home in a chic apartment building, solely for members of the Shatterdome. You share a flat with Mako that looks over the harbour. Herc is the first to visit for tea and tears of joy stream down both of your faces. When he asks if you’ve already been in your room you deny. He insists that you go there. Suspicious, you slowly open the door and walk in. First, you don’t see anything special but then you take in the details. There’s a picture of Chuck, Max and you on your dresser. His dog-tags hang at the mirror behind the door. And on your bed lies a letter with your name written on it in Chuck’s unorganized handwriting. You don’t read it now, but put it in the notebook you had gotten from your friends the night you left the Shatterdome.

Everyone had signed it, along with encouraging little notes or sketches. A few pages were filled with Raleigh’s beautiful artwork. You were surprised about the talent he had hidden from you. Mako had written a lengthy letter about how glad she had been to meet you, to be friends with you and how much she would miss you when you were gone. Herc had told you everything he could never tell you in person and also things he wished he had said to his son when he was still there. This notebook had travelled with you around the world. Once you feared you had forgotten it somewhere but then you had just put it in a different pocket than its usual. And now there is also a piece of Chuck in your notebook. You decide to read it when you go to bed. Now you want to see the Shatterdome.

A marble wall is erected at its entrance, memorizing those who have fallen for the sake of humanity. Not just their names are engraved in the stone but also their faces and their Jaegers. You are so stunned by it you don’t move for minutes. Just stand there and take in the beauty of it all. You admire the elaboration and the effort put into it. This is not an average memorial where people slowly turn into meaningless names. In some way, this is _them_. You spare Chuck’s face for last and when you finally see it, a single tear rolls down your face. Touching it gently, you close your eyes and smile, and now you know that you can move on. He would be by your side, no matter what, and if you should ever find somebody else you wanted to share your life with, he wouldn’t mind.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a really interesting experiment in writing in second-person-narrator but I doubt that I will do it again in the near future. Though I think this works well for the reader to assign the OC a preferred gender/no gender.


End file.
